(Today all songs included in the blog post will be by Lacuna Coil in honor of 1.19.)
(Swamped - Lacuna Coil) Yesterday I got one of those lovely visits from my boss at work. Something about my office sliding down the hill thanks to TriMet. (Ramon jokes that I should tie a rope around my waist and tie it to something in the main office just in case... such a kidder!) This has happened before, mind you. (My boss visiting me, not my office sliding down the hill.) Usually it's an unremarkable occasion... she usually finds at least one or two things she wants done this week, I write it down, and done... she goes back to the corporate office. I made two mistakes yesterday, though. I did my hair and wore makeup.
First she wanted to look at me, which involved staring pretty intently at my general head area for a long moment, then she had to feel my hair, comment on my new haircut (thanks Adrianne!), comment on my new highlights (thanks me!), and then commence the gushing.
"You're just a knockout! A knockout! You've just blossomed since you've been working here!"
"Well yeah," I said. "That's because I had to get an entirely new wardrobe after I started working here. This time last year I was auditioning for rock bands and most of the clothes I had were more suitable for that than this."
"WHAT?! You never told me about that before! What do you play?" (Senzafine - Lacuna Coil)
"Actually I was auditioning to be the vocalist."
"WHAT?! (If you knew my boss, you would recognize this noise, BTW.) You can sing??"
I shrugged. "Well, I'm not 'operatically trained' like Christine but I do what I do pretty well."
"But that's a totally different thing!"
And just when I was beginning to think she might make me sing something one of the machines outside my office window started violently shaking the office and she got distracted and apparently forgot all about me ever being anything but her employee. Fair enough. But it was enough to get me thinking about it.
A year ago Monday I did something I'd always wanted to do but had always been too scared to do... I auditioned to be the vocalist in a rock band. Some of you may remember my post about that (or you can go back and find it if you want). (Cirle - Lacuna Coil) I'd actually made the appointment to do it sometime in late December and actually managed to forget about it for nearly a month, then about two days before I remembered and commenced to freak out. I almost thought I was still too scared to do it, but I did it anyway.
For those of you who don't remember, it was one of the best experiences of my life. Even though I wasn't chosen, I had done something I'd always been too chicken to do even though I really wanted to do it, and the outcome had been pretty positive. One of the guys in the band told me that I definitely had talent and even if they decided to go with someone else I should "definitely keep doing what I'm doing". And they gave me a bunch of the band's stickers and a demo CD and a t-shirt for the Chamaco (this was a band that had actually been offered a record deal before with their previous vocalist, who I think is actually back with the band now after the band had a brief run with the guy who got picked over me). (Aeon - Lacuna Coil) Overall, though, it was a really positive experience for me and got me thinking... if I can do this thing that scared the crap out of me and have it turn out so well, what else that scares me might I be able to do?
I was pretty much feeling invincible after that, and I remember trying to explain the feeling to my mom on the phone. And it was that feeling of power following that experience that led me to audition for a couple more bands and start throwing out job applications left and right, for once sure that someone would give me a chance to prove that I could be something more than I was currently being. (I Don't Believe in Tomorrow - Lacuna Coil)
One of those applications led to me to be hired as an apartment manager, which caused me to leave behind all that had been familiar for the past 19 years. So if you think about it, really, much of what I am and what I have today can be directly linked to the fact that at this time last year, I auditioned for a rock band. (My Spirit - Lacuna Coil) So I still have a special place in my heart (and my iTunes) for Still Measure, even though my only connection with the band now is that I'm friends with the lead guitarist on Facebook.
These thoughts have led me to think about where I was a year ago. I was still working for Head Start, still living in a HUD subsidized apartment in Molalla, still living paycheck to paycheck, had just about given up on men entirely (except as potential bandmates, naturally) and was spending more time in the stories I was writing than in my real life because the stories were way more interesting. Fast forward to now... I have a totally different career, am living in the second new apartment I've had within the last 12 months, I generally have $300-400 still left in my bank account when I get my next paycheck (this is unheard of... I used to be vigilantly trying not to overdraw my account), (Comalies - Lacuna Coil) I have a boyfriend who I'm pretty sure will be around long-term because he was/is my best friend, and I don't have time to write anymore! (Aside from the occasional blog post, of course.)
Do I think I'm going to keep doing what I'm doing now forever? No. But I definitely will keep doing it until the next better thing comes along. I think actually Lacuna Coil is saying it best in the song that just came on:
Today I'm gonna fly
There's nothing that can keep me on the ground
Touch the sky
I'm free inside
I'm free to do what I like, I'm celebrating my life
I'm free to be what I like, I'm celebrating my life
I'm gonna get what I like, I'm celebrating my life
(I Like It - Lacuna Coil)
And for those that wonder, Lacuna Coil has a song from one of their earlier albums called "1.19". Why on earth it's called that I don't know (I'm sure the story is out there if you care enough to dig for it, but I don't), but now 1.19 (January 19th) is Lacuna Coil day. : )
Song o' the Day: I Like It by Lacuna Coil. See/hear it here. It's a pretty funny video, actually. Watch it.